Against the admonition of my friend, I recently disclosed to my crush who has been my friend for two years how I feel about him. She had warned that this honesty would open windows for feelings I really couldn’t handle. She wasn’t lying. In my defence, a drunken mouth reveals what the sober heart conceals. Prior to that we simply went out and enjoyed each other’s company like friends do.
And you’d ask ‘How did that go?!’ It was equally EMBARRASSING and SURPRISING~ but let’s do the surprise first. He indirectly or directly said it was mutual (I was intoxicated). Huh?! He’d never given me a micro hint in the least when I was certain he had seen me blush countless times. But with him, zilch I tell you!
So I still mentally question if he only said what he did because I was drunk or if he genuinely felt that way. Oh well, that’s not the issue at hand.
The horribly embarrassing part was when I accidentally referred to his girlfriend by the alias my friends and I use and his response was “Who’s that?” .That’s exactly when I realized I hadn’t called her by her correct name. Through the shame, I partially explain myself. As if not enough, I said things I’d never otherwise say (never!) including the times I’d purposely ignored his calls or cancel plans.
Alright, so I’ve given some context to the situation, let’s fast forward to the random morning calls. The first time this happened, I stared at my phone until it stopped ringing. I just wasn’t accustomed to him calling because we always communicate via text messages and really, I knew I didn’t have responses to what he would say. Then he called again, are you even kidding me?! Why the persistence?. I answered and it was very casual. He was just checking in and I mostly responded by saying “oh okay”.
But these calls have become more frequent. At least three times in the last week. They’re equally random and dreadful. I have to listen to his voice which is almost seeing him and it makes me disoriented… well not really, I just can’t find a better word but it’s that jittery feeling you have when you think you’re falling in love, in lust, in whatever. It’s that feeling!
The truth about his morning calls is the fact that his voice plays in my head like a scratched record hours after I’ve disconnected the call when I’m already just trying to dismiss how I feel about him because more than him being in a relationship I am also in one.